I believe in love, believe in its sweet and bitter taste, as well as the happiness and pains it brings. I appreciate it, treasure it, but I don't trust it alone, as I don't really trust any similar emotional feeling or passion. As an engineer, I'm too realistic to trust things based on nothing, e.g. the relationship without a future. Maybe you'd say I'm too pessimistic, "Future is made by human, " you'd say, "let's try, and give each other a chance."
But trust me, being rejected outside the door is painful, yet expelled out of the room is torture...it's not worthy for anyone to taste and suffer from. I did once so proudly believe that I could be strong enough to control the worldly passion, but I was wrong. I became so much into it even though I had understood how hopeless and futureless it was, and it hurt when it was gone.
This is the first time I speak so much about "love" since my last relationship (and the first one) ended, for there are some reasons that force me to face it. I'm not complaining though, since I have to do this sooner or later. Some friends doubt if I was really serious with that relationship, since I had known it would lead to nothing since the very beginning. Well, I won't excuse myself with craps as "Love is not reasonable" or "it disturbs my logical and rational thinking"...the truth is, I was too proud and adventurous and I told myself, "I know the possibility is low, but why not giving myself a chance? Let's see if we can make it." So then I tried, and wasn't able to release myself from it.
So being more rational, or coward, I think I would start the journey of love only when I see my destination. If the possibility of a happy ending is low, then the less we are into it, the less we are hurt. I won't play around because of vanity, impulses, enjoyment or sympathy, and I will accept the hatred I deserve for saying "let's just stop here and let's just be normal friends", since I know how this hurts.
But still, yes, that is what I mean to say.
I thought I would never write the words above in the blog since they are too personal and worthless for anyone to read... but this is the answer to a recent question from a really dear friend...:'(
孙立平：中国社会正在加速走向溃败
10 years ago
dear sis,
ReplyDeletei think i could understand how you feel but surely not exactly since i am not you, and everyone has their own stories which partly remain undiscovered forever to others.
I concur with you. however, i believe most of the wonderful parts in memories would eventually stay and recalled while those sorrowful would be erased by time and our mind. so don't let the memory bind you and close the heart. A love story without happy ending doesn't mean there is no happiness in it, but maybe it is because there are too many great pictures and chapters, we feel so sentimental and sad sometimes for this story which we hope it never ended.
that's different from pure sadness.
thus, instead of saying a love stoy without happy ending, i would say a happy love story with the ending missed.
some said that the story with the ending missed is one of the most beautiful thing
on the planet.
anyway, my english sucks, but i think you know exactly what i want to deliver because you are my dearest sis.
>W<
Thank you so much for the careful reply, rick, especially when you are so busy with the classes. These words are very helpful, which I thought through and through. You're right. It is all the happiness and sadness that enrich my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm so lucky to have you as my brother, rick. You are always there when I'm in trouble, and it always makes me feel sad to think about our graduation in December. Sometimes i think you and the other friends in GT are the only reason that God lead me to US.
Now I want to find a job in California!!!